


Powder & Blood

by intergalacticfreckle



Series: Here I Am [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan Angst, Self Harm, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:30:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7461279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intergalacticfreckle/pseuds/intergalacticfreckle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he cuts lines in powder<br/>and i cut lines in blood<br/>gave each other everything<br/>and hoped it was enough</p>
            </blockquote>





	Powder & Blood

**Author's Note:**

> \- part two of the 'here i am' series, based on the ep by libby tidley  
> \- originally posted to wattpad  
> \- feeling a little strange about posting this because ik that its a serious song and i don't want to trash it or trivialise it with shitty fanfiction  
> \- i'm sorry it's short and probably not very good  
> \- lower-case intended  
> \- the italic verses at the beginning and end are lyrics belonging to libby tidley, and i don't claim to own them

_**trigger warnings: self harm, substance abuse, toxic relationships** _

**phil's p.o.v**

 

_he cut lines in powder,_

_and i cut lines in blood,_

_gave each other everything,_

_and hoped it was enough_

 

things are not always as they seem.

sometimes, the sweet-looking dog on the street is actually a snarling beast.

sometimes, the inviting sunlight outside your window is accompanied by an ice-cold, unrelenting breeze.

and sometimes, the smart boy you give your heart to turns out to be a cocaine addict.

humans don't get addicted to substances, or anything of the sort. humans get addicted to being in control. we become so obsessed with having power over how we feel that we destroy ourselves slowly just to keep it up. we keep it up with such determination that we become addicted to being addicted. switching from addiction to addiction, anything to keep us keeping on. because you might not see killing yourself gradually as a valid driving force behind living, but for some of us, it's all we have left.

its very hard for two people with different addictions to be together. believe it or not, it's pretty difficult to put your all into a relationship when everything you are living for will ultimately result in your death. how are we supposed to think of a future together when he's murdering himself from the inside out and i'm murdering myself from the outside in? and enjoying the time you have together isn't so simple when you're both terrified for the other's wellbeing.

i can't understand how dan thinks he deserves this. how he thinks the rush of a high is worth giving up his life for. how he has so little regard for his own safety that he's willing to drown our kitchen counter in the dust that is ruining his brain.

dan can't understand how i think i deserve this. how i think the rush of a release is worth giving my life up for. how i have so little regard for my own safety that i'm willing to drown our bathroom floor in the blood that belongs in my veins.

life is a haze. its all one big upsetting haze and its like im here but im not - my body is here, its doing all the things that bodies should do, but my brain is only half present.

which is why, in a scramble to pick up my blade from the kitchen counter, i didn't notice the dusting of white until it was coursing through my veins. dan was so disappointed when he came home and found me sitting on the floor, wired and dazed. he looked into my eyes and saw his own.

which is why, in a desperate attempt to ease the pain of the consequences, he hid away for a few days, and when i next saw him, his arms were littered in cuts that rivalled mine.

 

_now i cut lines in powder_

_and he cuts lines in blood_

_gave each other everything_

_but it's never enough_


End file.
